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bard_linnAlright people, here is the crack I promised! Unbetaed, so there may be errors.
Title: Acting Under Duress
Archive: Breaking the Fourth wall- Waiting Room Stories
Summary: Costumes: Check. Makeup: check. Bad Acting: Check.
WARNING: BRAIN DAMAGE AND/OR DEATH MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS! THE AUTHORS TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY!
Acting Under Duress
“Is it just me or is it a little crowded in here?”
Edward looked up at Havoc from his place on a beanbag. Ed had decided shortly after they were incarcerated here that he liked beanbags very much. Comfortable and good for reading. Too bad he couldn’t take one back with him when they got out of here.
He refused to think they wouldn’t escape Her clutches someday.
The waiting room (more than a minor misnomer as it was really a massive house) was completely up-to-date with the latest technology and comforts. She obviously had some compassion. Many of the things Ed and the others had been exposed to wouldn’t appear in their world for several decades. Too bad. He really would have liked to have air conditioning in the house. Especially on those days that the heat fried Roy.
There was only one major complaint amongst the imprisoned (besides being tormented of course) and that was the lack of an alcohol of any kind. The vote on whether She had left out a bar due because She wished to deny any quick way to oblivion or for personal moral reasons was still continuing with no sign of ending any time in the near future.
“You’re right,” the youngest, flesh version of Al commented from his place on the loveseat. “Look, most of the HoS cast is here, a lot of mine, the anime cast, some of the manga…”
“Hm. The R!S sins are missing, but the T!I ones are here,” a Riza interjected.
Just then the door to the outer world opened. Three figures shuffled in: two homunculi and one cat chimera.
“And now Dogmatrix’s AU.”
“Am I the only one getting the feeling She’s up to something?” An Al interjected, sounding more than a little worried. Then again, all of the Als had reason to be worried about That One, especially if That Personality was involved. The Als tended to be on the hit list.
Everyone paused for a long moment. Nothing happened. “We must be safe.”
“I can’t believe the world hasn’t imploded from that many Fullmetals,” a Roy interjected. “Or exploded.”
“I’m surprised Her head hasn’t imploded or exploded from having that many of us in here.” The eldest Roy replied to one of his counterparts.
There was another mass pause. When nothing came flying across the room to smack the offender in the head, the eldest Ed sighed in relief. “She must not be watching.” He turned his attention to two identical men in the corner, both of whom were smarting from nicotine withdraw. “Oy, Havocs. Think one of you can get Gluttony out of the fridge? He’ll eat everythi -”
The lights went out.
“Why am I getting the feeling we spoke too soon?” The younger of the Masutas murmured. No one answered. “Mr. Elric? Where are you? Alphonse? General?” No one responded. Abruptly the lights came back on. Masuta found himself on a street made of a curious black substance. Buildings marked the skyline. Actually, Masuta squinted, studying the forms, CUTOUTS of buildings marked the skyline. Upon further exploration, Masuta decided that yes, this was indeed a bad movie set.
Just then, Masuta caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. His clothing had changed for certain, but what was most noticeable was his hair. Now confined by a head band, his hair was very, very, blue.
Masuta might have started searching out the author of the story, but just then cheesy threatening music abruptly cut through the hair. Compelled by the plot line (a force Masuta was becoming depressingly familiar with) the Japanese man ran down the street just in time to see Edward Elric attacked by a group of figures dressed in armor. “Why do I have the urge to call them tin cans?” Masuta mumbled. He gasped upon hearing his voice; it had gained a Brooklyn accent.
“Evil hordes of the Dynasty, you will never defeat me!” Edward shouted. He threw his hands into the air. “Armor of Wildfire!”
Sakura petals settled around Ed, leaving him clothed in impressive red armor. Ed drew the twin blades and cried “flare up now!” Fire leapt from the swords and smote several of the tin cans.
Masuta found himself raising his hands above his head as well. “Armor of Strata!” A quick transformation sequence later, he raised the bow that had appeared with his dark blue armor and shouted “arrow, shock wave!” The arrow took off only to collided with a near by building, breaking through the walls of the set.
“Nice job.” Edward mumbled.
“Never fear!” A voice above them rang out. The pair turned to look up. “Armstrong of the Hardrock is here to save the day!” The alchemist stood poised on one of the fake buildings, providing that no one should wear that much orange. Even his sparkles had changed colors.
“And I as well. Al of the Torrent!” Al stood in his light blue armor besides Armstrong. His voice had adopted a British accent.
“Then, together we shall rid the world of the evil of Talpa’s Dynasty!” Edward shouted.
“Yes!”
“SHE BLEACHED MY HAIR!”
The scream completely broke the mood of the scene. As the four warriors watched, the empty tin cans abruptly collapsed to the ground. “Um, where did that come from?” Al asked.
“And how am I supposed to see?” Roy Mustang came from around the side of a fake building. He was dressed in a green armor, and indeed his hair was blond. “I’ve can’t see out of my left eye and she makes my hair cover my right!”
“It appears,” Masuta mused. “That the plot line has ended for the moment. Shall we escape while we can?”
The others needed no encouragement. They quickly fled via the hole from Masuta’s arrow.
*****
The arrow that came crashing through the window caught Ed’s attention. The young man stared at the golden arrow, a little confused where it had come from.
“Niisan! Help me!”
Distracted from his contemplations by the sound of his brother’s voice, Ed ran quickly out of small classroom to the hallway. Envy stood there, a long sword in his hands, with Al in his clutches. The homunculus wasn’t dressed in his usual outfit. Instead he wore an all black outfit that looked rather like uniform. If Edward had looked at his reflection in the window he would have noticed he was wearing the same uniform. However, Ed’s attention was riveted on his brother. The alchemist absentmindedly wondered where She had found an outfit (commonly known as a “fuku”) large enough to fit on the armor.
“Now Dragon of Heaven, I shall kill – ” Envy began only to be cut off as Winry appeared, Den by her side. As the others watched, the dog abruptly changed into a sword. “Get away from Al!”
A wall of water erupted from a nearby water fountain. “Sorry kiddo, but I need him.” Greed stepped onto the scene, water whirling about him.
Fire snapped through the air, attacking the second homunculus. “Colonel!” Ed shouted and turned only to find Lieutenant Hawkeye behind him. He stared in shock.
“Why Lieutenant, that is a wonderful look for you.” Roy Mustang smirked as he arrived, dressed in white.
Hawkeye looked none too happy to be in the stripper-like outfit. “When I get my hands on Her, she’s toast.”
“What I want to know is how this many people are fitting in this hallway,” Havoc drawled, entering the hallway that should have become rather crowded by now. He was dressed in street clothes, with yellow jacket and a red baseball cap. Lightning flickered about his fingers. Besides him stood Maes Hughes, dressed in a suit, wind held fast about his fist.
“It seems you might need some aid, Envy,” Pride entered via a nearby classroom door. He was dressed in black with dark shades covering his eyes instead of his normal eye patch. Besides him stood Wrath, who apparently had taken to margining with machines as a new hobby.
Given all of the power trapped inside of the tiny hallway, it wasn’t very surprising that in a short amount of time later, the set exploded.
*****
Hoju found himself on top of a roof in a sprawling city. He was still dressed in red and black, but this time it was his shirt that was red, and not his jacket. He also had rather flimsy shoes on, the left of which clearly showed his automail. Besides him stood his brother Moofy. “Now Hoju, the way of a martial artist is fraught with peril,” the younger brother lectured.
Just then it began to rain.
The Fullmetal Alchemist gasped as his body began to tingle. He stared down at his chest. He had BREASTS! He was a GIRL! NOOOOOO! His brother’s armor abruptly took on a black and white pattern.
“Oh hohohoho!” A familiar voice cackled, the sound echoing through the air. “Hoju, what have you gotten yourself into now?”
Hoju stared at Colonel Mustang. In a green leotard. With a ribbon in her hand and a black rose. “This has to be a nightmare.”
“You think YOU have it bad,” a voice growled from the ground. Hoju looked down to see the black haired Pride, Envy and Al-the-cat-chimera standing on the street. Hoju couldn’t help but laugh out loud at Pride’s appearance. “It’s not funny!” The homunculus snapped. Hoju could beg to differ. Dressed in a rather fluffy pink dress, Pride looked rather ridiculous. Al didn’t look much better, with a large metal decoration around his neck and on his head. Two gold wings stretched from his back but looked more like glued on additions than actual appendages. Envy looked better in the blue and white getup. At least his wings looked really (which they probably were, via Envy’s shape shifting abilities).
“I suggest,” Hoju began only to stop at the sound of his voice.
“We go find Her and make Her pay?” Pride’s eyes danced at the thought.
“Exactly,” Hoju replied. Just then a large explosion shook the city. “And that would be a good place to start.”
Pride nodded and pulled out a necklace. He chanted something causing the necklace to extend into a wand (during which a design suspiciously similar to an alchemy circle appeared under the homunculus’ feet). A pink wand with a star on top surrounded by a circle decorated with wings no less. Pride pulled out a pack of pick cards, selected one and threw it up into the air. “Fly, release and dispel!” Immediately Pride gained a pair of pink wings on his back. “Race you!”
*****
While commotion rampaged through the city above them, three members were having a rather important meeting below the streets.
“Hail Ed Palazzo!”
“Hail!”
Rowan Elric and Sarah Elric stood before the figure on the throne. Rowan was dressed rather short shorts, a leotard and a short jacket, all in shades of green. Sarah was dressed in a similar outfit only lacking the shorts and jacket. Instead it had ruffles at the base of her leotard and armor shoulder guards. Her outfit was in shades of red and purple.
The figure on the thrown wore a rather impressive cape with massive shoulder guards. Beneath that he was dressed in a suit with white gloves. A strange crown like object adorned his head. Someone looking carefully could easily see that should the figure stand, the clothing would have dragged on the floor, being far too large for their wearer.
“Today, we shall begin in our quest to take over the city, and then the world!” Ed shouted.
“Yes Ed Palazzo!” Rowan shouted, stars in his eyes. He held up Hohenheim, the cat. “Emergency food supply ready to go!”
“Ye-” Sarah began, coughed up blood and collapsed to the ground.
Al burst in the door, looking far darker than usual. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He knelt next to his daughter.
A moment later Roy also entered the room, dressed in a red jacket, blue shirt and yellow tie. He took a hold of Al’s shoulder. “It will be alright!” The man tried to console the father. The sight of the Flame Alchemist with an afro did not aid this attempt in any fashion.
“Oh dear,” a large swirling portal appeared, sounding suspiciously like Winry. It waved her hands over the fallen girl. She immediately popped back to life.
“It can’t be that easy,” came an annoyed voice from behind them. Alter Series Edward stepped out of the shadows, still wearing his red armor. “We’re off to – ”
“See the wizard?” Sarah asked.
“Kill the Author,” Ed replied.
Rowan got a bloodthirsty look on his face. “Count me in.”
*****
Further away from the underground base, through a well and back several decades, Roy Mustang found himself wearing the most curious outfit. Made completely of red material as far as he could tell, it hung far looser than his usual uniform. A curious necklace of beads hung about his neck. A sword decorated his hip.
“Colonel.”
Mustang looked over at Hawkeye. And found himself in heaven.
The First Lieutenant was dressed in a strange blouse and a very, very short green skirt. She had a container of arrows on her back and a bow in her hand. Despite the sight of the weapons, Roy smirked. Hawkeye flushed red and abruptly shouted “SIT!”
Mustang found himself implanted on the ground, ears twitching. Wait, ears twitching? Roy reached up and touched the top of his head. He had….dog ears!
“Colonel Mustang!” Alphonse’s voice rang out. The armor came tromping into the clearing. Mustang and Hawkeye stared. The armor now had fox ears and a fox tail attached to it. “I can’t find Brother anywhere!”
“Looking for someone too?” A nearby tree exploded. Zolf Kimbley steeped out from the wreckage. The alchemist looked especially strange, completely wrapped in bandages except for his hands, which had been freed so he could use the arrays tattooed on them. “I’m looking for a little kid with a statue. Short, no breasts to speak of.”
“We’re looking for the Jewel of Four Souls,” Riza found herself saying.
“We haven’t seen any short – ” Roy began.
“WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE STILL CAN ORDER FROM THE KIDDIE MENU!”
“Fullmetal,” Roy smirked. “Interesting look for you.”
The teen now wore a long red wig, tied one with a head band. He was dressed in a fuchsia shirt, matching leggings and a long black cape held on by shoulder guards. He had several accessories: gloves, talismans and a short sword to name a few. In his left hand Ed held a small statue.
“Give me that!”
“I don’t think so Mummy Man!” Ed shouted and ran for the well not far from the clearing. The others gave chase. They all fell into together –
And screamed.
*****
Infamy woke up being near strangled by Greed.
The homunculus gasped and struggled in Greed’s grasp. To no avail. The other sin had a tight grip on him. Greed, currently clothed in a red dress with long silver wig, continued to babble. “…and then we can get our picture taken together like the wonderful brothers we are!”
Infamy knew She had something to do with this.
Just then, the door besides them opened. Elysia, dressed in a very short blue skirt and matching top, jumped in the door. “Daddy!” She managed to hug both Greed and Infamy at the same time.
Poof! Poof!
Infamy found himself sans clothes, and in a very different shape. He was a mouse. And Greed apparently was a snake. Briefly Infamy wondered if he should be worried about getting eaten.
“Got the drop on you did she?” Lust entered, looking both sexy and smug in a loose kimono.
Elysia launched herself again. “Uncle Roy!”
Poof!
Where had stood Lust there was now a dog.
“YOU!” Dante entered the room, pointing at Elysia. “You’re the one who drove them a way from me! The Zodiac is MINE!”
No one paid any attention to the ranting, decaying, mentally unbalanced alchemist. They were distracted by the arrival of Envy through the nearby wall. Pride came striding after. “Are you satisfied YET?”
“No, I’m going to beat you!”
“Big-brother Ed!”
Infamy didn’t even have to look. Yup, too more Poof!s. In Pride’s place stood a cat, in Envy’s a rather large cow. Elysia cuddled the cat. “Kitty!”
Falman came bursting through the door, dressed in a longer version of Elysia’s outfit. “Elysia!”
“Uncle Falman!” Elysia smiled. “Look, I have a kitty!”
“Get away from him!" Mania shouted, coming out of the kitchen attached to the room. She lunged, trying to wrest Pride from Elysia. Falman grabbed her.
Give you one guess.
Yup. Poof! Suddenly, Mania was a bunny. A rather hyperactive one. Falman stared at the piles of clothes littering the floor. Now what did he do?
“Ah ha. Found them.”
The two humans and host of animals turned to stare out the hole in the now broken wall. A rather large group stood there. “Now all we have to do is find the hosers,” one of the Rizas said.
“Do we have too?”
“Yes,” the same Riza replied.
Meanwhile the black haired Pride was laughing hysterically. “You’re a cat!”
Pride-now-a-cat snarled. “Well, you’re dressed in pink dress!”
Pride reached for a card. “No way am I letting you get away with that!”
“Cool it you two,” Alter Series Ed snapped, hands not far from his swords. “The sooner we find the last group the sooner we can go get Her.”
Poof! Poof! Poof! PoofPoofPoof!
“And for the Gate’s sake, put some clothes on!”
*****
The very large group filled into a school theater. The lights shut off as soon as the last had entered.
“Have you heard? Have you heard?” Breda asked, prancing across the stage. Well, you could only see his shadow, but it was definitely Breda.
“There’s to be another duel tonight!” Falman responded, also prancing his way across the stage.
Fuery entered as well, carrying a gramophone. “Extra, extra! Last tickets on sale!” He turned to face the audience, an eerie thing when only dealing with a shadow. “Have a good time!”
Abruptly the floor gave way, leaving the characters feeling as if they were on the Tower of Terror in Disney World. (Not that they had ever been to Disney world, but you get the point.) The free fall abruptly stopped, stranding them on a platform high in the sky, apparently supported by a single, very crooked pillar that was surrounded by a staircase. (Laws of physics? What laws of physics?)
Towards the center of the platform stood Ed and Masuta. At least, the others thought it was Ed and Masuta. Edward was dressed in short red shorts, a pink wig, tall red socks and a black shirt, looking vaguely prince like. Masuta was dressed in a stunning red ball gown, glasses and a purple wig. The entire getup was topped by a crown.
“Engaged!” Havoc entered the arena from the Gate over by the staircase. He was dressed in a green pants, matching wig and an elaborate white shirt that looked almost like a military uniform. He gestured wildly with the sword in his hand. “I challenge you! I shall find that which is eternal!”
A stop watch abruptly clicked. Al came up beside Havoc, stop watch in his hand. He was dressed in a blue version of Havoc’s outfit, including a light blue wig. “Stand aside, Havoc. I must find my shining thing!”
“She must have put major blinders on them,” Alter Series Al whispered to his brother. Ed nodded. Usually the House of Smex versions caught on the quickest when She pulled something. Came from being used the most. The alchemist winced as Riza appeared on the scene. Time for more bad acting.
“Step down, Al,” Riza requested, not unkindly. She was dressed in an orange version of the outfit with, you guessed it, an orange wig. “I must prove…that miracles do not exist!”
“Please lady and gentlemen, it is my turn to challenge the engaged.” Roy entered, dressed in a red version of the outfit, topped by of course, a read wig. He lifted the sword in his hand, a red rose in his left breast pocket. “I shall be the one to gain the power to revolutionize the world.”
Masuta placed his hands on his chest. “Power of Dios that sleeps within me, heed thy master and come forth!” The Japanese man bent back over Ed’s arm as a sword appeared from his chest. Ed pulled it free and held it up in the air. “Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world!” Bells rang out and the ring on Ed’s finger glowed.
“No Oniisama!” Mei rushed in. She was dressed in a solid yellow version of the outfit. “Please, allow me to destroy this one who would come between us.”
Mass blink from the spectators. “I thought Mei had a crush on Ed?” Mania asked Infamy.
“She’s got REALLY tight binders on them,” Infamy muttered.
“WHY AM I ALWAYS THE SLUT!” Aru came stomping up the stairs, dressed in a rather disheveled school uniform. A girl school uniform. A dark purple wig was slipping off his head. “FIRST IT WAS SAILOR VENUS…AND NOW THIS! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!”
The other seven characters from the House of Smex universe gave themselves a shake. “What am I DOING?” Roy yelled. He dropped the sword. Ed managed a little better, managing not to loose sword or Masuta, who was still on his arm.
CRACK
“Don’t tell me NOW the laws of physics decide to kick in…” Anime Ed mumbled. The pillar collapsed. Everyone screamed as they fell.
Again.
*****
“Ow….” The eldest Ed sat up. He blinked at the familiar surroundings. “Hey, we’re back in the waiting room.”
“We are.” One of his younger counter parts agreed. He stood.
“Where are you going?” The eldest Roy asked, looping his arm about his Ed’s waist.
“To get Her!” The teenaged Ed snarled. “She can’t do this to us!”
“We can’t actually do anything to her unless she’s in here,” one of the Riza’s pointed out.
“No sign of getting her to join in icedark’s arc?”
“No, she’s being stubborn again.” An Al sighed.
“Well, at least we can get a contract,” the teen Ed insisted.
“That’s…not an all bad idea,” one of the Roy’s interjected.
“I like it,” Cheryll interjected.
“Well in that case…shall we go?” The characters filed out of the room.
And somewhere, the Recasted Sins and the characters of Faulty Wish were laughing hysterically.
Notes: So there it is. 10 pages of crack. This is of course more funny if you are familiar with the series presented in this fic. Here be the chart of all the universes and the characters and who they “acted” as in no particular order. I had to drop some of these due to spoilers and because it would have gotten REALLY repetitive.They’re crossed out
Oh, and one more thing. In no way shape or form are the roles the characters are cast in advocate pairings.Mind out of gutter guys
Dogmatrix’s AU (Card Captor Sakura)
Ed – Sakura
Envy – Yue
Al – Kerberos
Familiar (Excel Saga)
Edward – Ed (II) Palazzo
Hohenheim (the cat) – Menchi (the dog, also known as the emergency food supply)
Sarah – Hyatt
Al – Pedro
Winry – The Great Will of the Macrocosm
Roy – Nabeshin
True Inversion (Fruits Basket)
Envy – Hatsuharu Sohma (cow)
Wrath – Kagura Sohma (boar)
Pride – Kyo Sohma (cat)
Infamy – Yuki Sohma (mouse)
Greed – Ayame Sohma (snake)
Lust – Shigure Sohma (dog)
Mania – Momiji Sohma (rabbit)
Gluttony – Hatori Sohma (sea dragon)
Sloth – Kisa Sohma (tiger)
Delusion – Ritsu Sohma (monkey)
Elysia – Tohru Honda
Dante – Akito Sohma
Falman - Arisa Uotani
House of Smex
Ed – Utena Tenjou
Masuta – Anthy Himemiya
Roy – Touga Kiryuu (red)
Riza – Juri Arisugawa (orange)
Al – Miki Kaoru (blue)
Havoc – Kyouichi Saionji (green)
Mei – Nanami Kiryuu (yellow)
Winry – Wakaba Shinohara
Aru – Kozue Kaoru
Fuery – C-ko
Breda – A-ko
Falman – B-ko
Anime (X, Slayers)
Ed – Kamui Shirou
Roy – Subaru Sumergai
Riza – Karen Kasumi
Hughes – Aoki Seiichirou
Al – Kotori Monou
Havoc – Sorata Arisugawa
Winry – Yuzuriha Nekoi
Sloth – Hinoto (bad)
Trisha – Hinoto (good)
Kimbry – Zolf (slayers)
Pride – Seishirou Sakurazuka
Scar – Shiyuu Kusanagi
Wrath – Yatouji Satsuki
Dante – Kanoe
Greed – Kigai Yuuto
Envy – Fuuma Monou
Manga (Inuyasha, Slayers)
Roy – Inuyasha
Riza – Kagome Higurashi
Al – Shippo
Ed – Lina Inverse (slayers)
Recasted Series
Hoju – Ranma Saotome
Cheryll – Kodatchi Kuno
Moofy – Genma Saotome
Alter Series (Ronin Warriors/ Yoroiden Samurai Troopers)
Ed – Ryo
Masuta – Rowen (Touma)
Roy – Sage (Seiji)
Al – Cye (Shin)
Armstrong – Kento (Shuu Fuan Rei)
X-posted toworldcollision for its two month anniversary.
Title: Acting Under Duress
Archive: Breaking the Fourth wall- Waiting Room Stories
Summary: Costumes: Check. Makeup: check. Bad Acting: Check.
WARNING: BRAIN DAMAGE AND/OR DEATH MAY RESULT FROM READING THIS! THE AUTHORS TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY!
Acting Under Duress
“Is it just me or is it a little crowded in here?”
Edward looked up at Havoc from his place on a beanbag. Ed had decided shortly after they were incarcerated here that he liked beanbags very much. Comfortable and good for reading. Too bad he couldn’t take one back with him when they got out of here.
He refused to think they wouldn’t escape Her clutches someday.
The waiting room (more than a minor misnomer as it was really a massive house) was completely up-to-date with the latest technology and comforts. She obviously had some compassion. Many of the things Ed and the others had been exposed to wouldn’t appear in their world for several decades. Too bad. He really would have liked to have air conditioning in the house. Especially on those days that the heat fried Roy.
There was only one major complaint amongst the imprisoned (besides being tormented of course) and that was the lack of an alcohol of any kind. The vote on whether She had left out a bar due because She wished to deny any quick way to oblivion or for personal moral reasons was still continuing with no sign of ending any time in the near future.
“You’re right,” the youngest, flesh version of Al commented from his place on the loveseat. “Look, most of the HoS cast is here, a lot of mine, the anime cast, some of the manga…”
“Hm. The R!S sins are missing, but the T!I ones are here,” a Riza interjected.
Just then the door to the outer world opened. Three figures shuffled in: two homunculi and one cat chimera.
“And now Dogmatrix’s AU.”
“Am I the only one getting the feeling She’s up to something?” An Al interjected, sounding more than a little worried. Then again, all of the Als had reason to be worried about That One, especially if That Personality was involved. The Als tended to be on the hit list.
Everyone paused for a long moment. Nothing happened. “We must be safe.”
“I can’t believe the world hasn’t imploded from that many Fullmetals,” a Roy interjected. “Or exploded.”
“I’m surprised Her head hasn’t imploded or exploded from having that many of us in here.” The eldest Roy replied to one of his counterparts.
There was another mass pause. When nothing came flying across the room to smack the offender in the head, the eldest Ed sighed in relief. “She must not be watching.” He turned his attention to two identical men in the corner, both of whom were smarting from nicotine withdraw. “Oy, Havocs. Think one of you can get Gluttony out of the fridge? He’ll eat everythi -”
The lights went out.
“Why am I getting the feeling we spoke too soon?” The younger of the Masutas murmured. No one answered. “Mr. Elric? Where are you? Alphonse? General?” No one responded. Abruptly the lights came back on. Masuta found himself on a street made of a curious black substance. Buildings marked the skyline. Actually, Masuta squinted, studying the forms, CUTOUTS of buildings marked the skyline. Upon further exploration, Masuta decided that yes, this was indeed a bad movie set.
Just then, Masuta caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. His clothing had changed for certain, but what was most noticeable was his hair. Now confined by a head band, his hair was very, very, blue.
Masuta might have started searching out the author of the story, but just then cheesy threatening music abruptly cut through the hair. Compelled by the plot line (a force Masuta was becoming depressingly familiar with) the Japanese man ran down the street just in time to see Edward Elric attacked by a group of figures dressed in armor. “Why do I have the urge to call them tin cans?” Masuta mumbled. He gasped upon hearing his voice; it had gained a Brooklyn accent.
“Evil hordes of the Dynasty, you will never defeat me!” Edward shouted. He threw his hands into the air. “Armor of Wildfire!”
Sakura petals settled around Ed, leaving him clothed in impressive red armor. Ed drew the twin blades and cried “flare up now!” Fire leapt from the swords and smote several of the tin cans.
Masuta found himself raising his hands above his head as well. “Armor of Strata!” A quick transformation sequence later, he raised the bow that had appeared with his dark blue armor and shouted “arrow, shock wave!” The arrow took off only to collided with a near by building, breaking through the walls of the set.
“Nice job.” Edward mumbled.
“Never fear!” A voice above them rang out. The pair turned to look up. “Armstrong of the Hardrock is here to save the day!” The alchemist stood poised on one of the fake buildings, providing that no one should wear that much orange. Even his sparkles had changed colors.
“And I as well. Al of the Torrent!” Al stood in his light blue armor besides Armstrong. His voice had adopted a British accent.
“Then, together we shall rid the world of the evil of Talpa’s Dynasty!” Edward shouted.
“Yes!”
“SHE BLEACHED MY HAIR!”
The scream completely broke the mood of the scene. As the four warriors watched, the empty tin cans abruptly collapsed to the ground. “Um, where did that come from?” Al asked.
“And how am I supposed to see?” Roy Mustang came from around the side of a fake building. He was dressed in a green armor, and indeed his hair was blond. “I’ve can’t see out of my left eye and she makes my hair cover my right!”
“It appears,” Masuta mused. “That the plot line has ended for the moment. Shall we escape while we can?”
The others needed no encouragement. They quickly fled via the hole from Masuta’s arrow.
*****
The arrow that came crashing through the window caught Ed’s attention. The young man stared at the golden arrow, a little confused where it had come from.
“Niisan! Help me!”
Distracted from his contemplations by the sound of his brother’s voice, Ed ran quickly out of small classroom to the hallway. Envy stood there, a long sword in his hands, with Al in his clutches. The homunculus wasn’t dressed in his usual outfit. Instead he wore an all black outfit that looked rather like uniform. If Edward had looked at his reflection in the window he would have noticed he was wearing the same uniform. However, Ed’s attention was riveted on his brother. The alchemist absentmindedly wondered where She had found an outfit (commonly known as a “fuku”) large enough to fit on the armor.
“Now Dragon of Heaven, I shall kill – ” Envy began only to be cut off as Winry appeared, Den by her side. As the others watched, the dog abruptly changed into a sword. “Get away from Al!”
A wall of water erupted from a nearby water fountain. “Sorry kiddo, but I need him.” Greed stepped onto the scene, water whirling about him.
Fire snapped through the air, attacking the second homunculus. “Colonel!” Ed shouted and turned only to find Lieutenant Hawkeye behind him. He stared in shock.
“Why Lieutenant, that is a wonderful look for you.” Roy Mustang smirked as he arrived, dressed in white.
Hawkeye looked none too happy to be in the stripper-like outfit. “When I get my hands on Her, she’s toast.”
“What I want to know is how this many people are fitting in this hallway,” Havoc drawled, entering the hallway that should have become rather crowded by now. He was dressed in street clothes, with yellow jacket and a red baseball cap. Lightning flickered about his fingers. Besides him stood Maes Hughes, dressed in a suit, wind held fast about his fist.
“It seems you might need some aid, Envy,” Pride entered via a nearby classroom door. He was dressed in black with dark shades covering his eyes instead of his normal eye patch. Besides him stood Wrath, who apparently had taken to margining with machines as a new hobby.
Given all of the power trapped inside of the tiny hallway, it wasn’t very surprising that in a short amount of time later, the set exploded.
*****
Hoju found himself on top of a roof in a sprawling city. He was still dressed in red and black, but this time it was his shirt that was red, and not his jacket. He also had rather flimsy shoes on, the left of which clearly showed his automail. Besides him stood his brother Moofy. “Now Hoju, the way of a martial artist is fraught with peril,” the younger brother lectured.
Just then it began to rain.
The Fullmetal Alchemist gasped as his body began to tingle. He stared down at his chest. He had BREASTS! He was a GIRL! NOOOOOO! His brother’s armor abruptly took on a black and white pattern.
“Oh hohohoho!” A familiar voice cackled, the sound echoing through the air. “Hoju, what have you gotten yourself into now?”
Hoju stared at Colonel Mustang. In a green leotard. With a ribbon in her hand and a black rose. “This has to be a nightmare.”
“You think YOU have it bad,” a voice growled from the ground. Hoju looked down to see the black haired Pride, Envy and Al-the-cat-chimera standing on the street. Hoju couldn’t help but laugh out loud at Pride’s appearance. “It’s not funny!” The homunculus snapped. Hoju could beg to differ. Dressed in a rather fluffy pink dress, Pride looked rather ridiculous. Al didn’t look much better, with a large metal decoration around his neck and on his head. Two gold wings stretched from his back but looked more like glued on additions than actual appendages. Envy looked better in the blue and white getup. At least his wings looked really (which they probably were, via Envy’s shape shifting abilities).
“I suggest,” Hoju began only to stop at the sound of his voice.
“We go find Her and make Her pay?” Pride’s eyes danced at the thought.
“Exactly,” Hoju replied. Just then a large explosion shook the city. “And that would be a good place to start.”
Pride nodded and pulled out a necklace. He chanted something causing the necklace to extend into a wand (during which a design suspiciously similar to an alchemy circle appeared under the homunculus’ feet). A pink wand with a star on top surrounded by a circle decorated with wings no less. Pride pulled out a pack of pick cards, selected one and threw it up into the air. “Fly, release and dispel!” Immediately Pride gained a pair of pink wings on his back. “Race you!”
*****
While commotion rampaged through the city above them, three members were having a rather important meeting below the streets.
“Hail Ed Palazzo!”
“Hail!”
Rowan Elric and Sarah Elric stood before the figure on the throne. Rowan was dressed rather short shorts, a leotard and a short jacket, all in shades of green. Sarah was dressed in a similar outfit only lacking the shorts and jacket. Instead it had ruffles at the base of her leotard and armor shoulder guards. Her outfit was in shades of red and purple.
The figure on the thrown wore a rather impressive cape with massive shoulder guards. Beneath that he was dressed in a suit with white gloves. A strange crown like object adorned his head. Someone looking carefully could easily see that should the figure stand, the clothing would have dragged on the floor, being far too large for their wearer.
“Today, we shall begin in our quest to take over the city, and then the world!” Ed shouted.
“Yes Ed Palazzo!” Rowan shouted, stars in his eyes. He held up Hohenheim, the cat. “Emergency food supply ready to go!”
“Ye-” Sarah began, coughed up blood and collapsed to the ground.
Al burst in the door, looking far darker than usual. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He knelt next to his daughter.
A moment later Roy also entered the room, dressed in a red jacket, blue shirt and yellow tie. He took a hold of Al’s shoulder. “It will be alright!” The man tried to console the father. The sight of the Flame Alchemist with an afro did not aid this attempt in any fashion.
“Oh dear,” a large swirling portal appeared, sounding suspiciously like Winry. It waved her hands over the fallen girl. She immediately popped back to life.
“It can’t be that easy,” came an annoyed voice from behind them. Alter Series Edward stepped out of the shadows, still wearing his red armor. “We’re off to – ”
“See the wizard?” Sarah asked.
“Kill the Author,” Ed replied.
Rowan got a bloodthirsty look on his face. “Count me in.”
*****
Further away from the underground base, through a well and back several decades, Roy Mustang found himself wearing the most curious outfit. Made completely of red material as far as he could tell, it hung far looser than his usual uniform. A curious necklace of beads hung about his neck. A sword decorated his hip.
“Colonel.”
Mustang looked over at Hawkeye. And found himself in heaven.
The First Lieutenant was dressed in a strange blouse and a very, very short green skirt. She had a container of arrows on her back and a bow in her hand. Despite the sight of the weapons, Roy smirked. Hawkeye flushed red and abruptly shouted “SIT!”
Mustang found himself implanted on the ground, ears twitching. Wait, ears twitching? Roy reached up and touched the top of his head. He had….dog ears!
“Colonel Mustang!” Alphonse’s voice rang out. The armor came tromping into the clearing. Mustang and Hawkeye stared. The armor now had fox ears and a fox tail attached to it. “I can’t find Brother anywhere!”
“Looking for someone too?” A nearby tree exploded. Zolf Kimbley steeped out from the wreckage. The alchemist looked especially strange, completely wrapped in bandages except for his hands, which had been freed so he could use the arrays tattooed on them. “I’m looking for a little kid with a statue. Short, no breasts to speak of.”
“We’re looking for the Jewel of Four Souls,” Riza found herself saying.
“We haven’t seen any short – ” Roy began.
“WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE STILL CAN ORDER FROM THE KIDDIE MENU!”
“Fullmetal,” Roy smirked. “Interesting look for you.”
The teen now wore a long red wig, tied one with a head band. He was dressed in a fuchsia shirt, matching leggings and a long black cape held on by shoulder guards. He had several accessories: gloves, talismans and a short sword to name a few. In his left hand Ed held a small statue.
“Give me that!”
“I don’t think so Mummy Man!” Ed shouted and ran for the well not far from the clearing. The others gave chase. They all fell into together –
And screamed.
*****
Infamy woke up being near strangled by Greed.
The homunculus gasped and struggled in Greed’s grasp. To no avail. The other sin had a tight grip on him. Greed, currently clothed in a red dress with long silver wig, continued to babble. “…and then we can get our picture taken together like the wonderful brothers we are!”
Infamy knew She had something to do with this.
Just then, the door besides them opened. Elysia, dressed in a very short blue skirt and matching top, jumped in the door. “Daddy!” She managed to hug both Greed and Infamy at the same time.
Poof! Poof!
Infamy found himself sans clothes, and in a very different shape. He was a mouse. And Greed apparently was a snake. Briefly Infamy wondered if he should be worried about getting eaten.
“Got the drop on you did she?” Lust entered, looking both sexy and smug in a loose kimono.
Elysia launched herself again. “Uncle Roy!”
Poof!
Where had stood Lust there was now a dog.
“YOU!” Dante entered the room, pointing at Elysia. “You’re the one who drove them a way from me! The Zodiac is MINE!”
No one paid any attention to the ranting, decaying, mentally unbalanced alchemist. They were distracted by the arrival of Envy through the nearby wall. Pride came striding after. “Are you satisfied YET?”
“No, I’m going to beat you!”
“Big-brother Ed!”
Infamy didn’t even have to look. Yup, too more Poof!s. In Pride’s place stood a cat, in Envy’s a rather large cow. Elysia cuddled the cat. “Kitty!”
Falman came bursting through the door, dressed in a longer version of Elysia’s outfit. “Elysia!”
“Uncle Falman!” Elysia smiled. “Look, I have a kitty!”
“Get away from him!" Mania shouted, coming out of the kitchen attached to the room. She lunged, trying to wrest Pride from Elysia. Falman grabbed her.
Give you one guess.
Yup. Poof! Suddenly, Mania was a bunny. A rather hyperactive one. Falman stared at the piles of clothes littering the floor. Now what did he do?
“Ah ha. Found them.”
The two humans and host of animals turned to stare out the hole in the now broken wall. A rather large group stood there. “Now all we have to do is find the hosers,” one of the Rizas said.
“Do we have too?”
“Yes,” the same Riza replied.
Meanwhile the black haired Pride was laughing hysterically. “You’re a cat!”
Pride-now-a-cat snarled. “Well, you’re dressed in pink dress!”
Pride reached for a card. “No way am I letting you get away with that!”
“Cool it you two,” Alter Series Ed snapped, hands not far from his swords. “The sooner we find the last group the sooner we can go get Her.”
Poof! Poof! Poof! PoofPoofPoof!
“And for the Gate’s sake, put some clothes on!”
*****
The very large group filled into a school theater. The lights shut off as soon as the last had entered.
“Have you heard? Have you heard?” Breda asked, prancing across the stage. Well, you could only see his shadow, but it was definitely Breda.
“There’s to be another duel tonight!” Falman responded, also prancing his way across the stage.
Fuery entered as well, carrying a gramophone. “Extra, extra! Last tickets on sale!” He turned to face the audience, an eerie thing when only dealing with a shadow. “Have a good time!”
Abruptly the floor gave way, leaving the characters feeling as if they were on the Tower of Terror in Disney World. (Not that they had ever been to Disney world, but you get the point.) The free fall abruptly stopped, stranding them on a platform high in the sky, apparently supported by a single, very crooked pillar that was surrounded by a staircase. (Laws of physics? What laws of physics?)
Towards the center of the platform stood Ed and Masuta. At least, the others thought it was Ed and Masuta. Edward was dressed in short red shorts, a pink wig, tall red socks and a black shirt, looking vaguely prince like. Masuta was dressed in a stunning red ball gown, glasses and a purple wig. The entire getup was topped by a crown.
“Engaged!” Havoc entered the arena from the Gate over by the staircase. He was dressed in a green pants, matching wig and an elaborate white shirt that looked almost like a military uniform. He gestured wildly with the sword in his hand. “I challenge you! I shall find that which is eternal!”
A stop watch abruptly clicked. Al came up beside Havoc, stop watch in his hand. He was dressed in a blue version of Havoc’s outfit, including a light blue wig. “Stand aside, Havoc. I must find my shining thing!”
“She must have put major blinders on them,” Alter Series Al whispered to his brother. Ed nodded. Usually the House of Smex versions caught on the quickest when She pulled something. Came from being used the most. The alchemist winced as Riza appeared on the scene. Time for more bad acting.
“Step down, Al,” Riza requested, not unkindly. She was dressed in an orange version of the outfit with, you guessed it, an orange wig. “I must prove…that miracles do not exist!”
“Please lady and gentlemen, it is my turn to challenge the engaged.” Roy entered, dressed in a red version of the outfit, topped by of course, a read wig. He lifted the sword in his hand, a red rose in his left breast pocket. “I shall be the one to gain the power to revolutionize the world.”
Masuta placed his hands on his chest. “Power of Dios that sleeps within me, heed thy master and come forth!” The Japanese man bent back over Ed’s arm as a sword appeared from his chest. Ed pulled it free and held it up in the air. “Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world!” Bells rang out and the ring on Ed’s finger glowed.
“No Oniisama!” Mei rushed in. She was dressed in a solid yellow version of the outfit. “Please, allow me to destroy this one who would come between us.”
Mass blink from the spectators. “I thought Mei had a crush on Ed?” Mania asked Infamy.
“She’s got REALLY tight binders on them,” Infamy muttered.
“WHY AM I ALWAYS THE SLUT!” Aru came stomping up the stairs, dressed in a rather disheveled school uniform. A girl school uniform. A dark purple wig was slipping off his head. “FIRST IT WAS SAILOR VENUS…AND NOW THIS! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!”
The other seven characters from the House of Smex universe gave themselves a shake. “What am I DOING?” Roy yelled. He dropped the sword. Ed managed a little better, managing not to loose sword or Masuta, who was still on his arm.
CRACK
“Don’t tell me NOW the laws of physics decide to kick in…” Anime Ed mumbled. The pillar collapsed. Everyone screamed as they fell.
Again.
*****
“Ow….” The eldest Ed sat up. He blinked at the familiar surroundings. “Hey, we’re back in the waiting room.”
“We are.” One of his younger counter parts agreed. He stood.
“Where are you going?” The eldest Roy asked, looping his arm about his Ed’s waist.
“To get Her!” The teenaged Ed snarled. “She can’t do this to us!”
“We can’t actually do anything to her unless she’s in here,” one of the Riza’s pointed out.
“No sign of getting her to join in icedark’s arc?”
“No, she’s being stubborn again.” An Al sighed.
“Well, at least we can get a contract,” the teen Ed insisted.
“That’s…not an all bad idea,” one of the Roy’s interjected.
“I like it,” Cheryll interjected.
“Well in that case…shall we go?” The characters filed out of the room.
And somewhere, the Recasted Sins and the characters of Faulty Wish were laughing hysterically.
Notes: So there it is. 10 pages of crack. This is of course more funny if you are familiar with the series presented in this fic. Here be the chart of all the universes and the characters and who they “acted” as in no particular order. I had to drop some of these due to spoilers and because it would have gotten REALLY repetitive.
Oh, and one more thing. In no way shape or form are the roles the characters are cast in advocate pairings.
Dogmatrix’s AU (Card Captor Sakura)
Ed – Sakura
Envy – Yue
Al – Kerberos
Familiar (Excel Saga)
Edward – Ed (II) Palazzo
Hohenheim (the cat) – Menchi (the dog, also known as the emergency food supply)
Sarah – Hyatt
Al – Pedro
Winry – The Great Will of the Macrocosm
Roy – Nabeshin
True Inversion (Fruits Basket)
Envy – Hatsuharu Sohma (cow)
Pride – Kyo Sohma (cat)
Infamy – Yuki Sohma (mouse)
Greed – Ayame Sohma (snake)
Lust – Shigure Sohma (dog)
Mania – Momiji Sohma (rabbit)
Sloth – Kisa Sohma (tiger)
Delusion – Ritsu Sohma (monkey)
Elysia – Tohru Honda
Dante – Akito Sohma
Falman - Arisa Uotani
House of Smex
Ed – Utena Tenjou
Masuta – Anthy Himemiya
Roy – Touga Kiryuu (red)
Riza – Juri Arisugawa (orange)
Al – Miki Kaoru (blue)
Havoc – Kyouichi Saionji (green)
Mei – Nanami Kiryuu (yellow)
Winry – Wakaba Shinohara
Aru – Kozue Kaoru
Fuery – C-ko
Breda – A-ko
Falman – B-ko
Anime (X, Slayers)
Ed – Kamui Shirou
Roy – Subaru Sumergai
Riza – Karen Kasumi
Hughes – Aoki Seiichirou
Al – Kotori Monou
Havoc – Sorata Arisugawa
Winry – Yuzuriha Nekoi
Trisha – Hinoto (good)
Kimbry – Zolf (slayers)
Pride – Seishirou Sakurazuka
Wrath – Yatouji Satsuki
Dante – Kanoe
Greed – Kigai Yuuto
Envy – Fuuma Monou
Manga (Inuyasha, Slayers)
Roy – Inuyasha
Riza – Kagome Higurashi
Al – Shippo
Ed – Lina Inverse (slayers)
Recasted Series
Hoju – Ranma Saotome
Cheryll – Kodatchi Kuno
Moofy – Genma Saotome
Alter Series (Ronin Warriors/ Yoroiden Samurai Troopers)
Ed – Ryo
Masuta – Rowen (Touma)
Roy – Sage (Seiji)
Al – Cye (Shin)
Armstrong – Kento (Shuu Fuan Rei)
X-posted to
worldcollision for its two month anniversary.
